Reservations or doubts may cause us to shut down and hinder our normal growth process. Some
uncertainties may be implanted by a former memory or trauma, or just because we may be afraid
to attempt something new which may remove us from our comfort zone.
Fear of the unknown has as much impact on how we handle life and the choices we have to make
just as much as anxiety caused by trauma.
The fear I have chosen to write about was caused by a sequence of traumatic experiences I
encountered at a very young age.
From the age of Seven until the age of Nineteen, I lived in a very hostile environment. I was
forced to grow up fast. For years I’ve lived in a state where survival was the first priority. This
required me to respond quickly avoiding or running away from dangerous situations. As a result,
I became very aware of my surroundings. That’s how I’ve operated to this day.
I recall a very significant situation when I was seven or eight, I remember being awaken by the
voices of two people arguing. I heard a female voice and a male voice, the voices sounded very
familiar. I heard screaming, crying and threats. Being a very curious child, I got up to look. What
I saw would haunt me for years to come.
I saw that my biological mother was holding a gun pointing it at her husband threatening to kill
him. I don’t recall exactly how, but he managed to take the gun away from her without incident.
I’m not sure why or how, but the argument stopped for the night. The arguments became part of
the many nights that an argument would wake me up. I’m sure if anyone was pointing a gun,
and I did not dare get up to see. There were times I feared for my own life.
This is when I began to associate guns with danger. I developed an intense fear of being around
guns. Guns triggered my anxiety do much that I could not even around play guns for years even
after I left that horrific environment.